Sunday, May 01, 2005

Enron - how it all started

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."Kenny said, "Okay, then, at least give me the donkey." The farmer said, "What ya gonna do with him?"Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"Kenny replied, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898." The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"Kenny replied, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

A poop game

http://www.paintshopstop.com/pspstuff/funstuff/doggydoo.swf

Thirty Lines to Make You Smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three-
thousand times the memory.

27.Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Why school is important

They Live Among Us!
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-ruralarea. We recently had a new neighbor call the localtownship administrative office to request the removalof the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:"too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn'twant them to cross there anymore. This one was fromKingman, KS.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a localTaco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the personbehind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said hewas sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was aKansas City chef!

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in atthe gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyoneput anything in your baggage without your knowledge?To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge,how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded,"That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzeswhen it's safe to cross the street. I was crossingwith an intellectually challenged coworker of minewhen she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. Iexplained that it signals blind people when the lightis red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth areblind people doing driving?!" She was a probationofficer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old anddear coworker who was leaving the company due to"downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "thisis fun. We should do this more often." Not a word wasspoken. We all just looked at each other with thatdeer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch atTexas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who pluggedher power strip back into itself and for the life ofher couldn't understand why her system would not turnon. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at anautomobile dealership to pick up our car, we were toldthe keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly tounlock the driver's side door. As I watched from thepassenger side, I instinctively tried the door handleand discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," Iannounced to the technician, "it's open!" To which hereplied, "I know - I already got that side." This wasat the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

They walk among us..............scary!!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

The Hat

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass; what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father; a while back, I misplaced me hat, and I really, really love that hat. I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.

Bush Addresses Indian Tribes

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the AmericanIndian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his futureplans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. Hereferred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237times -- for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed mostenthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with aplaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proudPresident then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come toselect the new name given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagleis the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Yooper Video Game

Now, don't spend all day with this game. It's very addictive....This is a YOOPER VIDEO GAME Use your left mouse button. http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm

For those who don't know, a Yooper is a resident of Michigan's upper peninsula - UP

Robin Williams Peace Initiative

You gotta love Robin Williams... Leave it to Robin Williams tocome up with the perfect plan. what we need now is for our UNAmbassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin William's plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heardof a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.

1.) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference"in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini,Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic and the rest of those good oleboys,' We will never "interfere" again.

2.) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world,starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. Theydon't want us there. We would station troops at our borders.No one sneaking through holes in the fence.

3.) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairstogether and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90days the remainder will be gathered up and deportedimmediately, regardless of who or where they are. France wouldwelcome them.

4.) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limitedto 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from aterrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like itthere, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum wouldnever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cabdrivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5.) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are thebombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it'sback home baby.

6.) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficientenergy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sourcesof energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in theAlaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 abarrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some placeelse. They can go somewhere else to sell their production.(About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites wouldbe enough.)

8.) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in theworld, we will not "interfere," They can pray to Allah orwhomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need.Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to thearmy. The people who need it most get very little, ifanything.

9.) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place.We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here.Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter orlockup for illegal aliens.

10.) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school Thatway, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. TheLanguage we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...Now,isn't that a winner of a plan.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor,your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat andshe's yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"